DIARY: WEEK 41

17:50:00

One of the things I have been the proudest of is how much I have changed since high school. How much more confident I have gotten, how I overcame my fear of travelling, how independent I am now.

I was so happy about this, but lately I feel like while I was winning all of these things, I also lost something. My 16 year old self might have been an insecure, unhappy little bird, but she also was a hopeless romantic, believed in the good in people and she also was a very passionate person.
I have become quite a cynical person over the last years. This is partly due to the fact that I went through quite an amount of shit and was disappointed numerous times. At one point I decided that I was just not going to expect anything good happening to me thus I would never be disappointed again.
I think this is a normal reaction to being hurt and being sad. It is basically like having a very beautiful garden with very fragile flowers. These flowers get hurt through bugs, through storms, through a variety of things and while you may have the patience to help them back up two or three times, at one point you will start to build high walls around them, put a roof over them, use a scare crow. But what you might not notice: after all this protection these flowers do not get any sunlight anymore and you also cannot really enjoy their beauty. 
At a moment you start hurting this flowers by building up all this walls and it´s the same with the walls you have been building up around your heart. You may go ahead and protect yourself with emotional walls, with being cynical, by never showing any emotion or showing that you are weak. But you are ultimately going to hurt yourself a lot more than by being an optimist, by letting feelings in, by being weak and soft from time to time. Because you do not only protect yourself from bad feelings, you also stop yourself from feeling absolutely happy, from daring, from feeling really deeply. Do not let the fear of striking out, stop you from playing the game. And do not let the fear of ruining your garden, stop you form harvesting what you planted. Be brave and feel. Because this is what we are meant to do with our emotions: to feel them. Without hoping for great things to happen, what is the point of working on anything at all? Without expecting anything good from life, how do you keep going? You might need to be realistic, but I am a hundred percent sure as a person you also need to believe that something good is coming your way, or you could just give up on life right now. Because you will never really live it, without having something to look forward to, to work towards, to be excited about.

Listened to: A lot of happy music.
Seen: American Horror Story.
Loved: The beauty of fall. It remains my absolute favourite season.
Hoped: For more hours of sleep.
Discovered: I can bake!



Autumn-loving and looking forward to going home to Malmö in a few days!

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5 Kommentare

  1. Mal wieder sehr schöne Worte. Sehr gut nachzuempfinden! Ich wünsche dir sehr viele gute Erfahrungen in der Zukunft, die deine Mauern wieder zum Einsturz bringen.

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  2. Beautiful photos :-)

    www.ramblesandbramblesblog.blogspot.co.uk

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  3. Hey du Liebe, ich bin durch Zufall über deinen Blog gestolpert :) ich lese ihn total gerne! Hast einen Leser mehr haha ♥ vielleicht hast du ja auch mal Lust bei mir vorbeizuschauen, würde mich freuen! Liebe Grüße,
    Jessica von http://jessicamariellle.blogspot.de/ ♥

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  4. Superschöne Bilder und schöne Worte! Ich mag deinen Blog allgemein total gerne!

    www.thefashionfraction.com

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Thanks so much for your lovely comments, constructive criticism and suggestions. I will try to answer all of you!

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