WISH 22: LOVE YOUR BODY BETTER12:53:00
I am not a skinny girl. My thighs touch, I have a little belly, I can´t find bras in high street stores and yes I do have bingo wings. A lot of these things have made me incredibly unhappy over the past years even though they are absolutely irrelevant to who I am as a person.
When I was 16 I went to America on student exchange. I had a horrible experience, was more than homesick and stayed with an incredible controlling and unloving family. I had no access to healthy food and being so unhappy about my situation I started to eat emotionally again. When I came back from the states I had gained a whopping 13 kilos. I had never looked like this, I felt horrible and ashamed. I also had to sell my horse in that year and went from riding five to six days a week to basically no work outs. In that winter I only ate 3 pieces of fruit a day for a week to fit into a dress. I cried in fitting rooms. In the summer I did not want to go to any place where I was expected to wear a bikini.
When I was 17 I fasted for 10 days to feel acceptable again. I never could really stick to a consistent diet, I never managed to loose weight even though I worked out a lot. I was pretty good with juice fasting and I felt majorly accomplished every time I have lost a few kilo and deeply disappointed when I gained weight. I tried to make myself through up at times after binging.
When I was 18 I fell in love with someone, who really was not interested in me. I started working longer hours in the restaurant I worked at and school got tougher as well. I was so stressed out from all of this and I started piling on pounds again. I spent another summer inside.
I have not felt good in a bikini since I was 15. I have counted calories and fasted, I have worked out for hours and skipped dinners. I have thought I was only worth something when I lost weight, the number on the scale was what defined my worth. And I have eaten a bag of chips, a bar of chocolate, gummy bears and pizza in one sitting.
And you know what the funny or horrible part is? Even when I was 14 and tiny I was not happy with my body. People made fun of how flat chested I was and I stuffed my bra hoping for curves.
The moral of this rant is that no matter how I looked over the past years the problem was that I hated my body. I never was proud of what this body was doing for me. Carrying me through severe heartache and huge turning points in my life. Running over 500 km with me over the last three years. Adjusting as well as it could to all the time zone changes I put it through. Fighting off all kinds of bacteria for me and doing it´s best to keep me alive. My body and also your body; our bodies love us so much. They do so incredibly much for us and we never thank them for that.
I don´t know a single girl in my friend group that is not unhappy with how she looks. I think this is one of the absolute saddest sentences I have ever said, but it is true. All of my friends are either currently dieting, cheating on their diet or thinking about starting a new one. I have heard similar stories of self hate and disordered eating behaviour from so many girls. These things are now a normal thing teenage girls go through, how fucked up is that?! Even the most gorgeous girls, the girls I really would love to look like, the ones with the washboard abs and the beautiful long legs are not happy with how they look. If we have something in common it is that in some way or another we hate our bodies.
I am quite a logic person. I am confident and I do think I am an attractive girl. I like my face, my eyes and my hair. Obviously I know that my weight is not what defines me, but it is something that is always in the back of my head. But this year I want to work on loving myself better and I am sure that includes accepting my body and being kind to it.
I don´t want to deprive it of carbs anymore, it makes me feel tired and dizzy. I don´t want to skip dinners anymore to fulfill an ideal of beauty that I will never reach no matter how much weight I will loose: I will never be petite, I have curves and god damn it that´s a great thing. I don´t want to feel horrible about eating a brownie and I also don´t want to binge eat in secret anymore. I want to work out, because I like how it makes me feel, not to burn off calories. I want to treat my body right, by eating good, wholesome, healthy foods and I want to still be able to enjoy life without feeling bad about it. This summer I want to feel great soaking up sun instead of worrying about my little belly pouch, which is cute as hell anyways. I want to do this, because I love my body, not because I hate it and I hope that as many of you as possible will do the same thing. In the next months I will start a series on this blog around loving your body better, posting recipes for healthy foods (because at the end of the day that what is better for you body), updates on how it is going with loving my body and anything to do with this. I would also love to hear your stories about loving yourself better so feel free to mail me, to leave a comment or even tag your posts with #loveyourbodybetter. Let´s work on this project together. This is not about loosing weight or dieting, but treating your body well because you love it and yourself so this definitely includes treats because sometimes you just need them.
Today I make the decision to be kind to my body and to love it and I think making this decision is the crucial first step. Will you make the same decision for yourself?